It's 2016, it's been a minute since I blogged.
I've still kinda been reeling from a bad breakup
January is the anniversary of My mother's death
January is the anniversary of Jim Squires, My tattoo artist and beloved pretty much family member, first year.
January I got realllly really sick with the flu and was out of work for two whole weeks.
January sucked I wanted it to be over before it began
February was supposed to be better.
February is My mothers birthday.
February My friend Rebekah died of an overdose.
She was someone I've known for a decade. She was someone I loved.
She was someone I texted at 2 am, someone who would drive over an hour away just to give Me a ride. Someone who would call out of work and never miss one of My parties ever.
Someone I stayed up til 4 am with listening to Michael Jackson and smoking bowls.
Someone who trusted Me enough to pierce her knees and suspend her. Someone who trusted Me with her very life. Someone who had Me help her propose to her girlfriend.
A member of My body modification and queer communities. Someone who never judged Me.
Someone who loved animals.
Someone who hid her drug use from Me.
Someone who was juuuust making plans to come and visit Me with Sacha Thumper just a few days before her death.
It was like it wasn't even real.
I found out via facebook
which I hate.
Someone posted to her page
“I love you!”
and someone else commented: me too
and I commented “Me three”
I didn't know she was dead
I thought it was just a spontaneous show of love for someone who soooo many people cared for.
It made Me incredibly sad.
I feel sad now just thinking about it.....
My circle is getting smaller and smaller.....
I was really sad. We all were. I had some friends come to the club so we could hug each other and do a shot in her honor.
I planned on seeing all My friends and squeezing them tight at the funeral services.
A few days before I was sick again, and kept getting sicker and sicker. Eventually became aware that I had contracted the coxsackie virus.
Like, who the fuck does that happen to?
5 year olds.
People around a lot of kids.
Well, yah....Me. So I was out of commission, quarantine status covered in a rash contagious with blisters on My feet and hands. My beautiful feet and hands.
I basically sat home and cried.
I someone suffered three major latex reactions (I am super allergic) all in a short time span with gave Me hives.
Not feeling very sexy, but damn was I so determined to get back to work.
A few weeks into feb another member of the suspension community
Trisha Nelson, tragically lost her life. She was murdered
She was a victim of domestic violence
she was gunned down in cold blood in the middle of a busy intersection
Her family mourns
My hook family mourns.
The circle gets smaller.....
please read more about Trisha and how you can help her family here:
It hit Me hard. All of it. Being sad, depressed, with a poor immune system, plus the stress of being so broke due to not working two major illnesses and a major latex reaction all in 2 months...
didn't make for quick healing. It was really slow going and I was so tired all the time and had a hard time coming back.
I was so sure march was gonna be better.
It had to be.
It's not fair to have that much sadness in your life all in a row.
March 5th was My bday and as you know, I generally plan some big huge grand parties and events and bring in feature acts and performers.
Well sorry, too much sickness and sadness.
Besides, it seemed wrong planning a party without Rebekah...she WAS the party, and who else was gonna stay up all night laughing with Me, ya know. Who was gonna make weird faces for the camera? So at the last minute, like with a weeks notice I decided to just have a regular party. Well, regular for Me. No flyers no feature acts, just invited My friends and hoped for a good time.
A good time was had by all.
So many awesome people came out to help Me celebrate!
Of course Sach Thumper and her whole clan was there, Burlesque starlet Morgan Fey
Pro Domme from Boston Jada Sinn was in the house www.jadasinn.com
trans pornstar royalty Tara Emory of www.taraemory.com was there.
Brandon Stack of Brandon Stack Photography was thankfully there to take pics of the whole debacle.
So, enough with the sadness and woe
here's some fun pictures of some major hotties and trouble I got into for My birthday:
Please click those links and support those people!
also: even MORE pics (although they are all SFW) on My fb page here:
After My bday life didn't slow down at all.
I did some fun gigs as a figure model for a class of painters and artists. I really love doing that. Although it's terrifying at the same time. This class is reallly cool and they make beautiful art and make Me feel beautiful.
If you've been following Me on snapchat you would seen some of the behind the scenes and some of the paintings done of Me.....
If you wanna find out how you can follow Me on snapchat you can find that here:
Another fun thing that happened in march is that Julie Simone came to visit Me!
This year, Julie was nominated for an AVN award for a movie that I was on the cover of!
We've has been working together for many many years, but We hadn't seen each other in some time.
We always end up creating some awesome stuff together. This visit was no exception. We got to relax, do a few sessions (the last sessions in My dungeon) shoot some aaaaawesome stuff and EAT! A lot.
I'm not going tp share any of those pics with you yet....
that'll be for the next blog.
Well ok, here's a selfie of Us:
If you follow Me on instagram you would have already seen this:
March is also always a little bittersweet because it's the anniversary of Shannon Larrat's death. My friend and mentor who commited suicide 3 years ago.
I wrote a piece about it and you can learn about Shannon, the creator of bmezine.com here:
Then, right after Julie left I had to move My entire dungeon, studio, office and storage area and somehow manage to make it fit in My apartment. Sacha Thumper and her team helped. My slave helped with the last few things. could NOT have done it without them! Love My circle.
April has been rough as well
The month began with the news of the death of Amber Rayne. A pornstar fetish model and adult industry colleague.
That was also profundly sad.
You can read this beautiful piece about it by My friend Gram Ponante
The circle gets smaller....
April is also a bit bittersweet because it's the first anniversary of DJ Jess. Someone who was also influential in My life and helped Me do some awesome shit.
I really would like for My friends to stop dying. I want to stop being sad and having to talk about memories. I want the circle to grow...not get smaller.
I see you
I need you
you know who you are.
Needless to say, the beginning of this year has already had many ups and downs, mostly way down. But I'm still here, keep plugging on.
I took a day job partially because I was so broke and still trying to catch up after the long bouts of illness...
and partially because I thought I needed a break from sexwork
and for some reason I thought it would be easy and fun
but work in a commercial kitchen isn't ever really like, easy or fun.
It's got Me up at 5 am
it's got Me tired as hell
after I get home and walk the dogs and shower the kitchen smell off of Me I have to sit down and work at the computer to try and keep up with this machine that is Beautiful Revenge Productions....
I think I'm burnin My candle at both ends.
I also miss the club.
And I miss counting My cash at the end of the night if you know what I mean...
So: let's make sure the next few months are awesome shall we?
I'm gonna be back at the club a bittersweet I'm gonna be traveling north to shoot with Brutal Master
I get to tie up the gorgeous Morgan Fey and torture her, I am so excited!
It's the little things, really.
For now: I want you to know that you can find Me THIS SUNDAY
at the world famous Club Centerstage in downtown springfield MA
I'll be dancing DAY SHIFT from noon til 7 pm
come say hi and help put Me in a better mood.
If you also wanna put Me in a better mood and get in My good graces
I would LOVE tickets to see DOLLY PARTON jun 17th at tanglewood in Lenox MA.
I would give a special awesome care package to anyone who wants to get that for Me.
Make My day
and then email Me:
see you sunday!