I did that thing again where I went silent for a long time. Alot of stuff happened and I didn't know how to talk about it, and I didn't want to gloss it over and I also didn't wanna write a fake happy things are awesome type of blog.
So friends and lovers, just know that I've been busy, and goin thru some shit. I think I've been goin thru shit since I got back from Cali and dealing with family shit. Haven't had much of a break in the way of bad news and intense stressful situations to deal with for months now and it took it's toll.
Sometimes I just need to hide out in the country and NOT write for a while so I can sort through it all.
I went through a really, really bad dramatic awful drawn out and heinous breakup with someone I was very much in love with. It hit Me super hard because it's the first relationship I've been in since My divorce. I was single for many many years. After an abusive and traumatic marriage it took a lot for Me to trust again. I actually didn't think I ever would get close to someone again. So it hurts a lot, having taken the chance and had it thrown back in My face.
Merry Christmas, right?
(I don't even wanna talk about christmas because it was hands down the worst and most depressing christmas of My entire life.)
But you know, it's nice to know My heart isn't completely black and dead and that I am indeed capable of love, and as I'm starting to figure out, I'm even capable of forgiveness. It's sort of been empowering, but damn what a nightmare to get here.
I happen to have a lot of experience with fucked up people who are really close to Me doing fucked up things. And realizing that all sorts of people are capable of awful shit. But that doesn't always mean you have to hold hatred in your heart for them. They are human people, who fucked up. And it's ok to have complicated emotions about that.
So, in the midst of all the bullshit I also got realllly super sick with the dreaded flu. No wonder, the stress and not taking care of Myself I got sick. Like really sick, like out of work for three weeks sick. Both of these situations were brutal reminders of how difficult it can be to deal with mundane things as a sex worker. Like breakups and being sick becomes harder.
Like, dating as a sex worker isn't like dating a civilian. Its different in so many ways.. It becomes even harder to find someone you have an actual connection with and who doesn't just think that fucking a pornstar is a cool thing to brag about later. I think this is something all sex workers can relate to: But sometimes guys THINK it's really cool that you're a sex worker and so open and honest and then it becomes the exact thing they hate about you. Jealousy, mistrust, and the need to sling the occasional insult about how you're a sex worker. It hurts a lot when you think you've found someone who gets it, who sees your work as legitimate, and then they get drunk and tell you you're just a talentless whore.....use the fact that you do sex work against you in fights.
If you're a sex worker and you are with someone you can't discuss your sex work with, I don't think it's a relationship that can work. No matter what the connection and passion that may be there, on a core level you cannot see eye to eye.
And being a sex worker and being sick...means no work, means no money. My success depends on My body, so when it fails Me it affects everything. There's no paid sick leave and I have no health insurance. I also had no one to take care of Me so lots of time was spent on the couch crying, watching Nashville and ordering wonton soup. Thankfully I had Doctor Bean and Nurse Rosa (My chihuahuas) on caretaker duty.
ALSO: During this time My good friend and mentor Brutal Master of www.BrutalMaster.com came into town and we had so many awesome outings and dinners and shoots planned. And instead he made Me some awesome italian food while I sniffled and coughed. It was nice to just hang out and NOT work tho, lots of time sex worker friends don't really get to do that because when you happen to be in the same place at the same time theres all this pressure to shoot and work together.
But, I don't wanna make this post about My weird personal life. Ok? Cuz there's actually a lot of GREAT stuff going on and I'd like to at least TRY to remain positive and enjoy the success that I'm experiencing lately. I have worked My ass off for so many years in this industry and it's really nice to have it pay off. To get booked for the events I want, shoots I want and have it recognized.
Like, first of all: “Coming Out Like A Pornstar” which I have a chapter in...is officially an AMAZON BESTSELLER!
So, that's a trip right there, that this book is doing so well, people are reading it, it's helping them. It's an awesome feeling.
Www.comingoutlikeapornstar.com I also still have a few copies for sale that I would love to send you signed! Some special valentines day deals and sales coming up but more on that later....
Also on the book front. Princess Kali's book “Enough to make you blush: Exploring erotic humiliation” came out and features quotes by yours truly.
Buy it here: http://amzn.to/1lkJ4mV
I've also been dancing a fair amount. Which is great on a number of levels. Great to get my money back up. Great to exercise. Great to be around other sex workers who GET IT and don't judge Me. Living out in the sticks I don't always have a lot of sex worker friends around to vibe with so My little trips out to springfield feel like going home sometimes. Especially since all My friends were in Vegas partying it up and I didn't get to go this year.
I've also come over to the darkside. Working nights now! Nightshift is a totally different beast than day shift and it's something I'll try and write an article about later. Took me a while to get My body to cooperate, but I no longer have to get up at 6 am to drive a boyfriend to work. So instead I stay up til 6 most nights that I work.....(you know, I have to wind down, and eat something and shower and count My money)
SO: come and see Me dance!
I'll be dancing around western MA a lot actually!
TONIGHT January 28th and FRIDAY January 29th I'll be doing night shift, 7 pm til 2 am!
I will also be dancing FRIDAY feb 5th 7 pm til 2 am
and THURSDAY feb 11th I'll be at the club, we actually have this awesome event going on! Danny Barbosa will be there!
I'll be continuing a tradition and working at the stripclub on Valentines Day! I think I've done this at least for the last four years. Something cool happens pretty much every year. So instead of sitting home and hating your life come let some naked ladies rub all over you. Feel free to bring Me chocolate and roses.
Not sure of the hours I'll be working that day, I might even dance a double if I'm feeling squirelly.
All of this at the world famous Club Centerstage in downtown springfield MA
www.clubcenterstage.com for more info and directions.
As always, I may get a wild hair across My fine ass and add some more dates to this, so please follow Me on twitter: www.twitter.com/BellaVendetta where I post all sorts of rants raves and always when I am working. And facebook where I always announce everything too:
You can follow Me on instagram too if you wanna see heel fetish pics and selfies I post from the club.
In other news:
The movie Julie Simone and I made did NOT win an AVN award. Sad I know, but still really honoured to have been nominated. It's a pretty cool point in My career to be on the cover of an AVN award nominated DVD and I don't even take My clothes off for the entire scene. It's like they really made an effort to include REAL bondage and BDSM movies this year instead of mainstream pornlands version of what they think fetish should look like.
I am planning some stuff for My birthday month in march. But I'll be writing a seperate blog on that. A CT and NY trip are in the works.
April will be asuper busy month for Me as well. I will be Guest Mistress at the world's oldest BDSM training chateau, and where I first trained as a Pro Domme, La Domaine Esemar! Www.ladomaine.com from april 1-6
Then at the end of the month of april I'll be making a trip to Maine, to shoot and to teach a class and maaaaybe even to feature dance.
I am not going to spoil you with tons of free pictures this time. Because this time around, I am the one who needs some love and spoiling................................
My wishlist is a nice place to start:
I also havent been shooting while I've been going thru all this bullshit. I even had to cancel My awesome big shoot with BrutalMaster because I was so sick. BUT the good news is I have LOTS of shoots planned for feb and march! So be excited for seeing Me nude in new and exciting ways and stripping out of outfits you've never seen! Yay.
Also awesome news:
A very famous fetish model who I have been admiring from afar for YEARS and always dreamed of working with, is finally coming to the east coast!
She will be here in March, how convenient, just in time for My birthday! (march 5th, so start figuring out what you want to get Me)
We are trying to book some custom work together and are now accepting orders. Do you have some weird fetish idea you want to see us shoot together? SEND ME AN EMAIL!
let us know your idea, how long of a video you are looking for...
I would personally love to do some bondage with her, sploshing, nylon fetish ass worship....you can see where My mind is going BUT we are totally open to custom ideas and scripts you may have.
Really looking forward to see what we come up with....
So ok: I will indulge you with ONE photo. Some stills from My latest fetish video on clips4sale.
It's a tongue fetish video, shot in HD and is super sexy. You can find the full video here: http://clips4sale.com/77669/14942365
I shot this video in a well lit, plain white room using an HD camera. LOVELY beautiful closeups of My perfectly pouty mouth. Dark lipstick covers My soft lips as I explain to you how I would bite you SO HARD if given the chance, and how much I want to sink My teeth into you and slurp you up with My long tongue. I show off My tongue, with a scar from a tongue piercing an all! In closeups and various positions. Looking gorgeous as ever in black lace. You're welcome. “
as always visit My whole clips store, updated frequently with brand new fetish videos, burlesque performances, interviews with pornstars, behind the scenes at the dungeon and much much more:
You can follow Me on tumblr to see when I have new videos coming out and teasers and gifs and images too!
DO IT! Buy some videos! Support Me so I can keep making weird art porn and tying girls up for everyone's amusement and living this beautiful life that I lead.
I'm gonna go trim My bush and shave My legs and pretty Myself up so I can get ready to go into work tonight. Come have some dranks and get weird western MA.
I am well rested well fed and smell like cocoa butter, anything could happen.